The process of Loosing a loved one. 

When my husband was diagnosed with four stage terminal cancer in August-September 2014, our reaction was different than what those arround us expected. There was no screaming or shouting at God. There was no why us God. We both talked and thought that this is the best scenario. That after my twin brother’s sudden death I did not want this repeated. Didnot want to have regrets or guilt. Amr my husband didnot want to grow senile and a burden. We felt this way we have time to say goodbye and get closer. 

At the begining we only wanted  to know the prognosis  and my fear was whether he had weeks or months or years. The first doctor told us or insinuated that he would not complete a year. That first doctor as we discovered later and not because of his prognosis was an Ass.  He not only lacked upto date information but he had no compassion and no bed side manners. 

In our trip and journey between Cairo, Heidleberg in Germany and Dallas in Texas, my husband and I discovered that it really sucks if you are a patient in Egypt even if you have money. And if you need some decent medical care the USA is the only place but you really have to have money. We sold a car and land in order to get such care. 

I will have other blogs sharing these adventures and the disappointment my husband, himself a physician found in the medical profession in Egypt and in the medical support given to doctors and professors by the State in our beloved Egypt. 

This blog though is to tell you that loosing someone you love sucks what ever the way he or she dies. It is true that we are 18 months  or 20 after  the discovery and prognosis and that several of these months he was alright. Yet he was never satisfied and I guess knowing that you are dying is not that easy. He also knows from his profession what will happen. 

During the last two months he got facial paralysis in his right side, and he could not close his eye which made it dry and maybe there is abrasion. Things got worse and for the last three weeks he could not swallow  easily and food goes back to his nasal canal if he eats normal food. He is irritated and uncomfortable all the time.  We also discovered here in Dallas that he has roaming tumors which really dimmed his prospects. We are conduting all brain radiation now to avoid further complications. 

He is uncomfortable and irritated from his eyes, some back pains, choking if he drinks, blockage of nasal canal when he eats. A terrible way to live. My crazy side says but better than others he is not blind or paralysed and I am scared to death if this will as it might end in total paralysis. Part of me see that at least he can get arround. But I am not him. It breaks my heart to see him broken and sad. 

This current trip is our last and he knows and the doctor told us and although I knew yet I didnot  know. Many people assume that since we know or have known it is easier. No it is not. There is the denial phase which in my case was very long daydreaming that there will be a miracle and he will be cured. There are many hopeful moments when I thought he is better than others and somehow hid the truth.  It is not true that you kind of know and thus the blow will be easier. Every time you face the reality it is as if it is the first time. A cold bucket of water is thrown in your face and you hurt exactly like the first time. 

I couldnot stop crying when I realized it is only months now. Not only because I will loose him but also it tears at me that he knows and that his health is deteriorating. He even told me that his body is giving in. I cannot imagine how he feels knowing that his body will betray him one function after the other and that he is sitting waiting for the final exit. It breaks my heart and I really hope he is not scared as he claims he is not afraid and that he is not angry. I only hope and pray to all Gods and the universe that what ever is left of his life a miracle happens and he doesnot suffer any more.  

I only want him to eat as he wants and not be denied the only luxory he had. I want him to be filled with positive energy and to appreciate the remaining functions. Please God or the Universe grant us this last miracle; a dignified, smooth and good exit. 
Pray with us for this. 


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